hell week(s)

begin today. mad films to shoot.

but i found this awesome ass commercial.

be the change.

i’m goin’ to my first phillies game today. i will be very drunk in public, always a good time.

i’m currently faced with the difficult decision as to whether or not i will remain in philly post graduation. i really wanna be in ny or la but i think if i go there right after graduation i’ll get sucked into some crazy lifestyle that i can’t break out of. not to mention, it’ll be so expensive to live there that’ll i won’t be able to focus on my career at all.

i’ve also been thinking about europe, like spain or something. just for a few years, unless i fall in love with it.

i hate growing up it’s too confusing. haha i really don’t wanna leave college it’s been the best time of my life.

slightly boring stuff about myself is next so feel free to not read…

blasé .

slumdog millionaire came out on dvd yesterday. i’m gonna watch the SHIT outta that movie tonight.

my stupid film projects definitely come in waves and there are days when i have absolutely nothing to do but then there are days when i have work coming outta my ass. and it’s quite painful.

i think i’ve finally narrowed down what i’m gonna see at the film festival:

i wanna see “Rudo y Cursi“, this mexican film starring Gael García Bernal and Diego Luna where they play brothers and after “Y Mamá También” i’ll watch anything they’re in together.

matty wants to see a horror and there’s thing one called “Hanger” about a deformed kid who was brutally aborted and left to die but somehow survived and 18 years later seeks revenge. i don’t like horrors but i’ll see it just cause i’m open to anything.

omg! there’s another mexican film i want to check out called “Voy a explotar” about these two badass rebel teens and apparently the director borrows some french new wave techniques so i’m really excited to see this. matt’s gonna kill me though cause everything i wanna see is in spanish and subtitled.

i’m prolly gonna create a new logo this weekend. i’m no graphic designer, but i need the photoshop practice.

so i’m in a really awkward situation with this guy. i don’t like him romantically at all. he’s my big brother’s age and he’s totally a cool guy to hang with but he’s too old for me. i believe he’s obsessed with me and it’s freaking me out. i’ve not answered his phone calls to maybe give him a hint to leave me alone. but that hasn’t worked. when he asked me if i saw myself being with him i explained to him that i don’t even know what my plans for tomorrow are – let alone the rest of my life. he’s becoming extremely annoying but i don’t have the heart to tell him to leave me alone. i think i’m gonna pull the whole “i’m too passionate about my work to be involved with anyone right now”. which in all honesty is true. see me at the end of the semester buddy – but this weekend…i’m making mooooooviessss haha.

ok. so while i’ve been simultaneously writing this post matthew’s been texting me. he thinks i’m being a douche bag to this guy. i’m really not. he kept calling me yesterday but i was so swamped with school and work that i wasn’t able to get back to him. so he called me a-fucking-gain (made that up) while i was in class today. i texted him and told him i’d call him later cause “i have to talk to him”. yes. i used that dreaded phrase that’s usually accompanied by bad news. hopefully he has a hint as to what the conversation will be about and make my job easier. i kinda feel like total shit now and i don’t know how i’m gonna word this but i’m definitely gonna tell him the truth. cause i’ve been in situations where guys think they need to spare my feelings or something and decide to just ignore the situation and in my opinion that’s 10x more asshole-ish than being up front with someone and telling them you’re not into them/found someone else. so i’m going to take the initiative and not treat him like i’ve been treated.

it’s a shame too cause this guy had potential. he’s really into cool stuff. but unfortunately for him i’m not looking to be tied down at the moment. atleast not to his psycho ass.

oh. and i got whack ass jury duty tomorrow. wtfXupwitdat?

jeez. i know it’s long, but…

this helped me figure out some stuff about myself.

me and matthew have this ongoing insider (well it’s not really an insider but anyways) where the three of us in my house are never EVER paired up at the same time. sometimes it’s only one of us but usually it’s two. either me & whitney will have boos and matt won’t, or him and whitney will and i won’t. that’s pretty much what’s happening now. ugh. stupid stupid.

i guess it’s my own fault though. i always get into these awkward situations with guys. i met one guy who knows exactly what he wants from me – a relationship. HOWEVER i refuse to be his excuse to complete his family. and i’m pretty sure he just got out of a relationship. it’s creepy to say the least. and i feel absolutely terrible because i know he’s a sweet guy and i could make him really happy but my heart’s just not in it. if you are my friend/ significant other i will do ANYTHING under the sun for you if i could but i refuse to sacrifice my own happiness for someone else’s.

i also have situations where i don’t know what the hell is going on and because i’m not 100% mature yet i won’t ask them about it lol. i’ll neurotically think about it and ask other people about it – sometimes even strangers – but i’ll say nothing to the person. it’s really frustrating and it’s most my own fault. i gotta learn how to teach people how to treat me. i mean, people don’t necessarily walk all over me or anything but i’m usually super chill and go about being all oblivious and what not. i need to take a more active role in showing the world what kind of person i am and letting them know that if they f*ck with me…there are gonna be some problems.

so i’m guessing i need to narrow down exactly what it is i want from a guy so that this stops happening. every time i’m asked that question i pause lol- and then smile and say i’m not sure. i really am though.

1. i want a guy that likes to go out. i like to party lol but not just out to get drunk. i’m curious about everything around me and i need someone to understand that. if that means i wanna roam the city all night just scouting cool places to shoot a movie then that’s what that means.
2. i love food and different cultures. so i want someone who’s down to go try any type of food from anywhere in the world.
3. i really love music and i make this joke of one day meeting my musical soulmate. haha i don’t think that’s gonna happen cause i don’t know many people that’ll have the same amount of interest in Bob Marley, the Clash, Lily Allen and the Slumdog Millionaire soundtrack (Jai Ho is the best song ever written). but i know that’s asking for too much. all i want is for someone to get in my car and not say “WTF is this?”
4. i don’t mind the whole “PDA” thing but i don’t want somebody constantly sucking my face off to show the world we’re going out. that’s happened to me and i’m not a fan.
5. i love sex. so as long as i get it on the regular i’m not going anywhere lol. i’m open to stuff lol. i’ll role play and sneak around in public places. i don’t think there’s anything wrong with maintaining an exciting sex life.
6. i don’t need anyone clingy. i don’t need to see/ talk to you everyday so do not blow up my phone calling me all the time. i hate phone conversations anyway and i’d rather talk in person. i don’t know if guys got the impression from other women that it’s cute to be disgustingly affectionate all the time but i don’t like it. don’t call me “boo” or “baby” all the time i have a name. we can hold hands if that’s your thing lol i don’t mind that.
7. if something i do bothers you FOR THE LOVE OF GOD tell me! i’m not a mind reader (even though that’d be badass). guys go around complaining about how clueless they are. so am i! i can’t take subtle hints. fucking tell me what’s wrong or if something’s changed. much appreciated.
8. do not keep me around as your safety while you go and try to get with somebody else. i wouldn’t do that to anyone. actually, if you just tell me “hey, i actually wanna try seeing other people just to keep my options open” i’ll appreciate you 10x more than if you just fake that we’re ok so that i don’t find out. cause i’ll just get ridiculously suspicious and turned off of you altogether.
9. don’t cheat? i know that’s pretty obvious but it happens so often that i feel it should be one of my requirements.  i guess that ties into the previous one and the next one…
10. BE HONEST! oh my god. tell me what’s going on, if your feelings change, anything! i’m THE most open person ever and i’d rather be told when something’s not working than just being somebody’s story to someone else. i love open discussion. feelings, emotions all that nonsense lol. i’ll openly discuss how i’m feeling with you if you do the same. but i can’t do that if someone’s not on a mature enough level with me.

a friend of a friend (i think i said that right?) explained to me (he’s a guy by the way) that apparently during the beginning of a relationship or when you’re just “talking” (still don’t know what that means…or “seeing”) a guy’s trying to figure out what you as the woman wants. he said guys have too much pride to come out and say they want a relationship if they do so they’ll leave it up to you. i don’t know what that means…or why that’s the case lol.

but alas, i have been in a situation where i straight up told the guy exactly what i was looking for but he was the biggest douchebag on the planet that yea…i got what i wanted for about a week. anyway, i’m really not here to rant about asshole guys. maybe just trynna get as many opinions as possible cause it seems to me like everyone has there own. i personally don’t have adequate experience in being able to judge these types of situations.

whatevs.

i don’t really date that much but i will say that every “dating” situation i’ve been in has taught me something new. everyone is different.i try really hard not to lump every guy in the same category but i’m kinda losing hope. however, i’d still like to think there are people out there who want exactly what i’m looking for. even if it’s the dragracer who i should probably go out with but i’m too stupid to realize it yet.

i’m not the exception, i’m the rule.

just saw “he’s not that into you” and i’m not normally into chick flicks but um, yea this made everything that’s happened in the past few years totally clear. crystal haha.

i am now a complete cynic. fuck love – it only happens in movies.

and of course, eff reality and make it a happy ending. cause that always happens.

haha..yea oookay on a lighter note (well, for you not for me)

at the movies, i don’t really know how it happened…(nervous twitch? sheer stupidity?) but i somehow accidentally stabbed myself in the throat with a straw. like, it was in my mouth and i think i was trynna get it into the cup with my teeth. and it slipped. and so, yea, it scraped the inside of my throat and i definitely spilled popcorn EVERYWHERE. good thing it wasn’t a date haha. it pretty much kills now; i can’t swallow…

so that’s it. i think i feel philosophically different. indifferent.

ughh.

i hope the eagles win tomorrow…JUST so that i can witness – first hand – another philly sport victory. like, i swear, city wide victory parties is where it’s at. you can’t get in trouble for anything!

anyways…i shopped my heart out today. literally. i guess i shop when i’m depressed? i wish i was more of an artist and used my sadness to produce remarkable works of art. then i’d atleast get something out of it. but instead…i get an empty wallet (well, bank account – i do not believe in wallets).

no really though, i should maybe consider seeing someone about the “shopping when sad” thing cause i’m pretty sure it’s not helping me cope in anyway at all. but, atleast i’ll look good! whoo!

the most awesome thing just happened! (“they shoulda neva gave you niggas money!!!”) whit knows what i’m talking about haha.

I AM SO CONFUSED!!! about SO many things. jeez, i wish my brain would just explode – or just empty itself of all my thoughts so i can focus. i don’t even know what i wanna focus on yet. i just wanna detach for a while. like maybe go on sabbatical or something. just a few days. OMG! i’m gonna do that. just a full day or two, sometime next week. just me and my thoughts all to myself. oh, it’s happening.

enough of that. well, i’m off. umm. do yourselves a favor and DO NOT see The Unborn. utter crap…crap.

my day off 2.0

i woke up at 630a this morning. i had an appointment at the cherry hill volkswagen to get my car serviced..YET AGAIN..[it had been doing this thing where i would be driving, and it would just shut off. like, even doing 60mph on the highway. needless to say, it was dangerous to continue driving that POS so i opted to do something about it...and maybe save a life.] anyways, i hit snooze and missed my appointment. i called them at 8a when i woke up and it took me 45min just to get a guy on the phone to tell me i can bring it in to see if they can squeeze me in.

i get there at around 915a. i’m there about an 1hr before anyone even gets to my car. then i literally tell the guy whats wrong with it [i told him i suspected a battery issue] and he proceeds to diagnose my vehicle. comes back about 1.5hrs later to inform me that the problem MIGHT be the battery. they couldn’t find anything else wrong with it. so, i’m charged a full diagnostics fee of $92, even though i told the guy what was wrong with it and i ended up being right. SIGH.

the service rep sits down next to me on the couch, which i’ve made my temporary home, and explains to me that the only possible thing they could do is switch out the battery and merely HOPE it’s actually causing the problem. then, ever so slyly, he explains to me that the battery is $112 and it’s also gonna cost another 1/2hr of labor, which i’m sure is horseshit.

anyways, $268 later and my car runs significantly better. i only hope that the problem is fixed for good. now i just gotta get that leak fixed and we’re good to go!

positives: i bonded with a nice old lady in the customer lounge. we both griped about how much VW sucks! i watched rachel ray and learned how to make chicken stuffed with sausage. tom cruise was on the view…he looked, normal.

i also got to thinking about myself. like really thinking. all that “what do i want outta life”  stuff everyone keeps talking about. i came up with some pretty decent/funny/intense/insane stuff, but that’s a whole nother post.

welps..i’m off to the cinema with my boo…to see the unborn? hm, i don’t like to be scared but i’m down.

two doulbe 0 nine.

um. i’m not even gonna lie. 2008 was my shit! awesome year. good times, some bad times…but more good times. this was my first legit new year’s celebration i’d say..although i’ve had some pretty interesting ones. i think the ‘05 countdown was crossing the street on my way to a party. to bring in ‘07 i believe i sat at home with my dad and some champange. and last year, ‘08 me and my roomie were too young to go out and party so we opted to stay in…and sleep.

this year, to welcome ‘09 while we were still too young to go out and party, we brought the party to us. it was a good time to say the least. good people…massive amounts of booze…wii…twister. it was a good time.

i will miss 2008 and everything it brought me, the good and the bad:

1. the assholes i “dated”

2. R.I.P. V’Dubs – 5/3/08 (never forget)

3. summer in philly

4. summer in philly with no car

5. SEPTA

6. V’Dubs 2.0: The Sequel

7. my horrible film class in the spring

8. my awesome film class in the fall

9. The Dark Knight – omg i love this film

10. Tropic Thunder – this one too

11. losing a friend

12. getting that friend back…hopefully

13. my new passion for bowling

14. my new main squeeze

15. growth?

but, i must leap forward with a new attitude and hopefully make moves (and movies) in ‘09. i’m not big on resolutions cause they never follow through. but i’ll list a couple things that i must do just because they’ll help me in the long run.

1. maybe get my wisdom teeth pulled..finally?

2. organize and post ALL of the films i’ve completed thus far.. haha there are some pretty shitty ones

3. try to be a better friend..or just a better person in general

4. cut down on the swearing just a tad bit.

5. be more honest with people

6. watch more films!

7. make more films!

8. become a better filmmaker…lol

9. lose weight? this is always a resolution but never gets done..haha i could stand to lose about 10lbs. though

10. live free…die hard? no, just live free.

11. and trust me i wanted to keep this at an even 10 (OCD like sh*t haha) BUT..i must learn to cook in ‘09 for my own sake.

hopefully my updates to this will track my accomplishments throughout the year, but at the end of the day i can only be the best me i can be. somehow that felt like a tongue twister…

so hopefully i see it through but if i crash and burn i have good friends and family to help clean up. and i hope this year brings you all joy and happiness in as many ways possible.

over and out.

as of late…

i’ve been in the market for a new apartment. i don’t have high expectations. but i need the following:

1br – preferably a newly renovated jawn

extremely close to temple – i can do a 15min walk at most, after that i’m late for class

under $600

with cool painted walls – i hate that white shit

they HAVE to allow pets – this is NOT negotiable

i’ve been looking for about a month or so and let me just say that it’s extremely difficult. my current lease doesn’t end until july, but we’ve waited until the last minute before and it sucks. i need my own place. i’m tired of doing the whole roommate thing and always pissing people off and having to change my behaviors that i’m already set in.

i would totally dig my own place. haha i’d have 80s stuff all over the place. neon lights that flash at night. black lights. omg, i’m super excited. my bathroom would be space themed and i don’t have to worry about anyone complaining about my exellent choice of decor. strobe lights. i would need some of those. that’s crucial.

everywhere around temple has like 4+ BR and i’m not into all that. i guess i could maybe do a 2BR but that’s kinda stretching it. then i’d have to meet someone and chances are, they’d be a loser compared to me cause i’m just too cool for school. plus, i don’t wanna go through all this trouble when i’m outta this city in 1.5 yrs anyway. ugh. why can’t the staples easy button work for everythinggggg?

my kind of christmas.

my christmas began and ended with family.

on christmas eve, i had to work at best buy til 4p. at 4.10p when i was still helping a customer purshase a canon xsi i realized it was time to bail out before i got sucked in. so i rang them out and immediately darted to the break room avoiding all eye contact (i know people were glaring me down like shit haha). last minute shoppers have always driven me mad, but i swear every year it gets worse and worse.

i rushed outta that shithole (it’s only a shithole the week before christmas – other than that i love my job) after picking up a few last minute things. and headed back to my apartment in north philly. i wanted to go straight to jersey after work but working til 1230a the previous night prevented me from waking up early enough to pack my stuff in the morning.

so, i get to my place and chill for a good 3hrs. i hate driving to jersey, especially since my car’s leaking antifreeze fumes that i’m almost certain are killing me ever so slowly. but i suck it up and leave my house at about 945p cause i really didn’t feel like driving on christmas.

i get home at bout 11p and totally don’t feel like wrapping gifts. my dad gets in about 20min. after me and yells at me to get up and wrap my gifts haha. i’m the best gift wrapper ever, but it takes me foreverrrr! a little after 12a the mass texts begin. it’s cool though cause by this point i’m high off exhaustion. i finish wrapping at about 430a and am totally not looking foward to getting up early.

we head out to my grandma’s on christmas morning where everyone’s gonna gather and open gifts for about an hr. the rest of the day is spent visiting others and eating and just being with family. after dinner, like every other holiday, my whole family was just chillin at the table just joking around and talking. these are always the best moments. that’s when i realized what christmas and all these other holidays are about. it’s about surrounding yourself with people you love and who love you in return – unconditionally. it’s about cherishing every single relationship that you have cause when you mess up and don’t have somebody around anymore – that’s when you realize how much they mean to you. and that’s when it’s too late. everybody always stresses on this holiday about what they’re getting for other people or in return. it’s all pointless. it’s not about a stupid touch screen camera that ashton kutcher is endorsing for nikon. or finding the cheapest gift you can that looks expensive. the greatest gift i get every year is being able to spend this day with people i love and care about. and having people to love and care about. at the end of the day, that’s all that really matters.

ok, ok. that was deep enough. now, i got a lot of awesome gifts for christmas. mad dough (who still says dough haha). but what i didn’t get was something i really had my heart set on – an authentic reproduction of the michael jackson thriller outfit. you know the one! red leather jacket with the black stripes. but noooo. i guess i ask for too much. oh wells. better luck next year…birthday maybe?